Shrug Off or Vent -- It's a Choice

Most of the time, I keep my nice, social, easy-going attitude on. As an adult, I've been categorized as tolerant, unflappable, easy-to-please -- a "roll with it" and "go with the flow" kind of gal. I don't quite cross over into "cheerleader for the world" status, but I tend to maintain an upbeat attitude because I like myself better that way and I like how it affects my relationships with other people. Most irritations, minor accidents to my property, and careless insults to myself are things that I just shrug off.

It doesn't always feel natural to do that, but it gets easier with practice. I do feel like a bit of a fake, doing that -- but one who's leading a fairly effective life.

But sometimes when I sense malice or persistent carelessness, the "nice" suit slips off, and the naked annoyance is bare to the astonished world. I've often felt guilty about that. Failing to bite my tongue feels both satisfying and guilt inducing, like a failure of self control. Except ... it's not really a failure of self-control, is it? For me, it's usually a conscious choice when I do decide to let 'er rip. (I can be breath-takingly harsh, so I'm very choosy about doing this. It's too easy to slide over into "vicious.")

Does that make me some kind of nut, who has to work at containing or appropriately directing anger? Do other people carry around simmering pools of irritation that they vent through sarcasm, humor, or just plenty of "ARRRGH!" diary entries?

And because I work at this, does this make me a fake -- that when I feel irritated, most of the time I choose to keep that to myself? Do I do that just so people will like me (what a needy nerd, if so)? Honestly, that's part of it, if I truly examine my motives. But I've come to believe that this is not the only reason, nor is it the major one. Few things are that simple.

Personally, I think that selectively expressing irritation is just maturity and self-restraint, finally emerging as part of my psyche in my 40s. I can't usually change how I feel, but I can change how I act. Too many people have their crabby attitudes hanging out all over the place, rubbing off on people who really don't deserve the abrasions. The perpetually crabby ones flood with heartburn and spike their own blood pressure as they unnecessarily damage their relationships with others.

To me, the most intelligent, compassionate choice is to suppress destructive expressions of anger and just express annoyance in a highly targeted, tightly focused manner of my choosing. This decision has helped me build patience. Most of the time, I use expressions of my irritation as a tool to
(1) convey displeasure to a deserving person (intentional aggravants, not just bumblers),
(2) persuade people that they need to take seriously what I'm saying
(3) make the circumstances unpleasant for someone who's being unreasonably stubborn with me (for example, customer service reps who refuse to honor their store's own return policies or explain why) -- and hope that this persuades them to change their actions,
or -- if I'm just pissed beyond measure over a recurring or severe problem --
(4) speak out very sharply, just for my own good as a mental health release.

That last one is something I try to use sparingly. No one wants to be next to a spewing Mt. Vesuvius all the time, nor, for my own sake, do I want to be one. But neither do they want to be next to a trembling mountain near-to-bursting with pent-up hot lava just barely held in check. And again, I don't want to be that, either.

So, sometimes I vent despite my good intentions. Does that make me a hypocrite? Don't think so. If I am, I think I can live with it.

It's also exasperating to exercise this kind of control and then hear some clueless person fall back on his/her own defense: "Bitch!"

If thought bubbles appeared over my head like in the cartoons, mine would respond, "Yeah, so what. Doesn't rule out you being an idiot, now does it?"